


A Roll of the Dice

by HeddersTheOwl



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Asexual Aziraphale (Good Omens), Asexual Crowley (Good Omens), Asexuality, Body Horror, Established Relationship, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Idiots in Love, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, No Sex, No Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-31 08:31:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19422301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeddersTheOwl/pseuds/HeddersTheOwl
Summary: The ineffable husbands decide to try out sex on a whim, and try using Sexy Dice to figure out what to do. It doesn't go well.





	A Roll of the Dice

**Author's Note:**

> I saw this post (to be added when on laptop, thanks tumblr mobile) and died laughing

It was a comfortable summer afternoon in Aziraphale's back room of the book shop. Aziraphale was sat on the sofa reading a book Anathema had lent him, which had a shirtless pirate on the cover with a loosely covered noble woman draped over him. It wouldn't have been his first choice, but he could agree that the character work was surprisingly deep. Crowley was sprawled over the rest of the sofa, scrolling through his phone and idly tempting people into arguments on Facebook. He had been quite proud of online comment systems back in the day, and it was an easy trap to lay, merely commenting "you're wrong, just look at the science" on any post whatsoever and letting the 'debate' roll.

Aziraphale turned a page in his book and hummed thoughtfully. Crowley looked up at him.

"Do you think we ought to give it a go?"

"It?"

"Well, it. You know. _That_."

"Oh, that."

"Humans just make such a fuss over it, I was wondering what it's all about."

Crowley considered this. He did feel a little curious, now that he'd mentioned it. They didn't have plans for the rest of the afternoon, anyway.

"Yeah, may as well." He sat up and patted Aziraphale on the knee. "How do we start this thing?"

Aziraphale beamed at him, and put a bookmark in carefully, placing _All At Sea_ on a side table.

"I believe it's traditionally started with kissing - now don't make that face Crowley."

They had tried _kissing_ a few weeks ago, and Crowley had found it all together too messy. Contrary to what one might expect from a demon, Crowley did not like mess. He was comfortable in Azirphale's homey untidiness but he was revolted by the idea of fluids...touching. Aziraphale had found kissing pleasant, but not moreso than a good book or chocolate eclaire might be pleasant.

"We're not doing kissing again."

"Fine then, what do you propose we do?" Aziraphale asked, tartly.

Crowley pondered, then snapped his fingers and two dice appeared in his hand. One had a verb on each face, and one a noun.

"I've seen these in gift shops."

Azirphale took the verb dice from Crowley's hand. It had the words "lick", "stroke" and "nibble" visible on the side he looked at.

"I think they give instructions. 'Sexy dice', they're called."

"Leave it up to fate, then? For our first time? How romantic."

"Yeah, well, anything for you." Crowley's sweet words were belied by his sarcastic tone and disgusted expression, but he still got a pleased hum from Aziraphale.

They each rolled their die, Aziraphale getting somewhat giddy. It's not often he can introduce Crowley to something completely new for the both of them, having each had 6000 years of experiences. The verb die fell on "blow", and the noun die landed on...

"Naval? Blow naval?" Crowley read out, confused.

"Well, I suppose if the dice say so, we ought to give it a go." Aziraphale said, unconvinced but sporting. "Do you want to...or shall I...?"

"I'll do you, I guess. Come on, shirt up."

It took five minutes of trying to get through Aziraphale's many layers of suit before Crowley rolled his eyes, unbuttoned his waistcoat and pulled his t-shirt up, lounging back against the settee with his hips pushed up. He gestured around his middle.

"Have at it, angel."

Azirphale dutifully sank to his knees before Crowley and gently blew at his belly button. His eyes slowly flicked up from naval to eyes as he did so. Crowley pulled a face.

"Bit cold. Maybe get a bit closer?"

Aziraphale put his face right up to Crowley's naval and blew warm air directly into it. Crowley cringed with his whole body and pushed Aziraphale away with an instinctive kick to the shoulder.

When he was able to untense his muscles enough to speak he said, "Sorry angel- didnt mean to kick- but that was the worst sensation I have ever had in this corporeal form, and that includes the time I looked upwards in Edinburgh when someone shouted 'guardiloo'" he shuddered at the memory.

"Not a successful venture, then." The angel said, looking disappointed.

"No, not for that one. Give me a minute to recover and we'll try a different one. Blech." Crowley curled his forked tongue out of his mouth, as if he could even taste how uncomfortable that had felt.

They rolled again and got "touch neck".

"That seems a little more regular, I think. They do that on the television." Azirphale unbuttoned his top buttons, undid his cravat and presented his neck.

Crowley put three fingers on the revealed skin, and held there.

-

"...how long do you reckon I'm supposed to do this for? You feeling anything yet?" He asked, in the same position half an hour later.

'Not especially." Azirphale admitted. "I think you might need to move your hand around?"

"But there's a separate face for stroke, this one just says touch, I'm supposed to touch." Crowley complained. Azirphale huffed.

"Crowley, is this really the time you adhere to the ru- AH!"

Crowley had slid his fingertips delicately around the inside of Aziraphale's collar, which made him shriek and smack his hand away. Crowley grew a wicked, predatory smirk.

"You're never ticklish, angel?"

"No." Said Azirphale hastily, pulling his collar up as far as he could and keeping his hands there protectively.

Crowley merely raised a smug eyebrow and filed the knowledge away for future use, before rerolling the dice.

-

Aziraphale's arm ended up halfway down Crowley's throat (being an ex-snake had its side effects) before he said "This can't possibly be right."

Crowley replied "Mphnrrruclblubluhffff" around his arm and nodded.

"Suck hand", it seemed, was not for them.

-

Azirphale had Crowley's head on his lap, and was cleaning his ears with a cotton tip. The dice had fallen noun-first with "Ears ?" so they'd improvised. Crowley was almost falling asleep, drooling a little on Azirphale's thigh.

"Are you sure this is what it means?"

Crowley sighed into Aziraphale's knee, and opened his eyes.

"No, but it's the most pleasant thing we've tried all afternoon." He tapped Aziraphale's wrist to be let up, discreetly wiping his face and miracle cleaning Aziraphale's trousers as he sat up.

"I don't think we're cut out for this, angel." Crowley said, apologetically.

"No, no, looks like we aren't." Aziraphale sighed. "I'm sorry I can't give you this realm of pleasure, dearheart."

"Well, same to you I suppose. Although, angel, I don't think I'd enjoy it with anyone else either, not really."

"You don't mind then? That we aren't...physical? Humans tend to think of it as the greatest expression of our kind of love." Azirphale fidgeted with the end of his cravat. Crowley scoffed.

"What would humans know about our kind of love? We were made for it, or at least you were. Why should our partnership look anything like how they might expect? Besides, a lot of humans don't do that either, and I'll bet you'd find just as much love there as in other couples. Humans are the same idiots who thought She doesn't love queer people, or poor people, and don't even get me started on capitalism. Our partnership is ours, and we can express ourselves however the He- however the fuck we want to."

Aziraphale smiled softly and looked down at his hands.

"Yes, I suppose you're right. I'm being silly, letting human biases get to me. It's easy to get caught up in them, rather."

"Of course I'm right. Plus, now I think about it, the full thing does seen rather..." Crowley wrinkled his nose, "messy."

Aziraphale chuckled, and fixed his collar to look presentable again.

"How shall we spend the rest of the evening then, my dear?"

"Italian?"

"Sounds lovely."

The two of them didn't hold hands as they walked to their favourite local Italian restaurant. They didn't play footsie under the table waiting for their order, and they didn't give each other a kiss goodnight before heading to their own beds in their own apartments. But they loved, without a doubt. How deeply they loved.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't use cotton tips to clean your ears actually though, it could damage your inner ear! Crowley's a demon so his inner ears are protected by uh. Primordial slime, I guess.
> 
> I wanted to write something exploring the fact that they don't touch much in the show but still have that Big Love, that's more just Understood by both of them by the end. Also I thought it would be funny, lol.


End file.
